Today I read this interesting and well-written article about the decline of having people over. There are various theories and possible reasons for why that’s the case (which I won’t go into because you should just read the article), but I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.
Moving to New York has meant getting outside our comfort zones a bit more, and trying harder to meet new people and make new friends. In contrast, we just got back from visiting Utah for the first time since we left, and it was really interesting noticing the differences in time spent with decades-long friends versus new friends. With newer friends, I sometimes overthink and feel like I need a good reason to get together, and everything needs to go smoothly. Clear plan, clean house, cool outfit, the right food or drinks, the right background music, whatever. But hanging out with old friends is usually so casual and informal. And don’t get me wrong, both are great, but there’s definitely a difference.
I recently finished reading The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway, which is basically about some friends who travel around and eat and drink and watch bullfights in the 1920s. During one part, two guys are eating together at a cafe, and it’s described in passing by the protagonist like this: “The food was good and so was the wine. We did not talk much.” But it wasn’t awkward or weird, and they didn’t have beef with each other, they were just two buddies who could pleasantly and casually coexist. That wasn’t a major plot point or part of the novel in any significant way, but it really stuck out to me because it felt so foreign in 2026.
So here’s me doing my best to bring back the casual hang. Here are my personal guiding principles:
- I just love seeing my friends and don’t need anyone to put in special effort to try to impress me.
- Please don’t feel like you need to clean your place up, we all use our spaces and live in them. Everyone has laundry piles, dirty dishes, and random clutter. It’s normal and human and I will never judge you for it.
- Please feel comfortable deciding to leave or kick me out at any time with no explanation. I’ll never be offended, we can like each other and have an amazing time and also want to go to bed or do something else.
- Please feel comfortable bailing at the last minute with no excuse. Life happens and you don’t owe me an explanation. I will always assume the best and give you the benefit of the doubt.
- Meals or events or hangs don’t need to be 100% full effort, and they don’t need to be a set amount of time. Come over and eat a bowl of cereal with me for dinner. Or let’s do our taxes together in silence in our PJs. Or let’s watch a movie and then sit around and be bored after.
Anyway, while I still love a good structured hang, I plan on trying harder to get some more casual hangs going in my life. In fact, my big action item from this is that I'm gonna start going to the same coffee shop to work every Friday morning, and I'll send out a casual standing invite to friends nearby. If you have any other ideas for casual hangs or your own thoughts on what makes a good casual hang, I'd love to hear.
Long live the casual hang ✌️